By CRAIG HALL
The following takes place at a high school (hopefully) far, far away from Heavener and LeFlore County.
Coach Jim Bob, the high school’s slow-pitch softball coach, is walking by the playground and notices Big Bubba taking a mighty swing at a softball pitch. The bat cracks hard against the ball, sending it well past the outfield fence.
This catches Coach Jim Bob’s attention. He whistles and thinks about how nice it would be to have somebody who could hit a ball like that on his slow-pitch softball team.
Then, Coach Jim Bob realizes that thanks to the department of education, he can have a player like Big Bubba on his team, thanks to the liberal transgender decision the federal government has come down with.
“Hey, Big Bubba, get over here!” Coach Jim Bob says. Big Bubba spits out a big splat of tobacco juice and walks over to the coach, wondering what he has done wrong this time.
“Yeah?” he said.
“I want you on my softball team!” the coach says.
Big Bubba looks a little confused, a normal state for him. “But Coach Jim Bob, I ain’t a girl.”
Coach Jim Bob has a devious look on his face. “That don’t matter! All you gotta do is tell the principal you feel like you should be a girl. Then you can play slow-pitch softball!”
Big Bubba’s dream had always to been to play baseball for the Termites, the nickname of his local school, but the curve, fastball and changeup had proven to be beyond his skill level.
“But I ain’t no chick, Coach!”
Coach Jim Bob, who needed some wins after going 0fer for the last two years, slapped Big Bubba on the shoulder. “You know how you’re having problems with the history class, Big Bubba?”
Big Bubba, who currently was sailing through the class with a 31, nodded.
“I’ll bump your grade up to passing!” Coach Jim Bob said.
Big Bubba got a little excited about that. Now, if Coach Jim Bob could only do something about his grades in math, English, art, science and driver’s ed!
“I don’t want a gang to whoop my rear though, Coach!” Big Bubba was referencing the noted Baxter boys, who had taken the last transgender boy in the school out behind the bus barn and delivered a ferocious beating after they heard he had entered the bathroom while their little sister was making tinkling.
This worried Coach Jim Bob. He certainly didn’t want to get Big Bubba hurt, especially since it would be hard to hit home runs while in a body cast. “Just go over to the ag barn any time you gotta go.”
This was starting to sound better for Big Bubba. “Do I get to dress with the chicks?”
Uh oh, that could be a problem. Coach Jim Bob didn’t think the honorable Ed Whipple, the local school board president, would like Big Bubba seeing his daughter, Windy, in her skivvies.
“We’ll let you dress in the garage where we keep the lawnmowers,” said Coach Jim Bob.
“Bummer,” said Big Bubba.
The rest is all history. Coach Jim Bob’s Lady Termites won their first 10 games, a new school record, until suddenly, all the other schools started sporting boys playing on the teams.
Big Bubba continued to smash home runs, but six or seven boys on the other teams proved to be too tough to defeat.
Finally, Big Bubba, tired of being ragged for playing with the girls, quit and went back to shop class, hanging up the Easton for good.
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